Tags: Journal

You know, I originally wasn't going to take part in this year's 32bit Cafe's Valentine's Day event.

It was for the same reason I skipped out on the New Year's event: I feel like shit, and so I didn't think I could complete the prompts in any meaningful way. Any positivity needed for them would be forced. I can do lighthearted posts for the things I enjoy. I can eagerly tease myself for redesigning the site (again), and gleefully share silly bats painted on pumpkins. But being asked to find a light in the darkness for New Year's was too much. A year in review also felt unappealing at the time. And a love letter to myself? Could I really do that?

And then I had a thought. And so I started writing, on a whim, and will keep going until I've said what I feel I need to. Which probably won't be much, because I don't have much to say on this topic, but I want to write something anyways.

You don't know me. (Unless you're one of my friends reading this. Hi friend! I see you!) For as much as I've shared about myself on this silly little website, both directly and indirectly, there's so much more you don't know about me. I don't normally vent here, because (A) I would rather vent to friends and (B) that wouldn't be a very fun blog to read or write IMO.

But shit does suck here currently. A lot. Both because of personal life shenanigans and because I'm a trans person living in the U.S. All I want to do is find a job, get my driver's license (yeah, I got a Bachaler's Degree before a full driver's license), move out to live in peace with my cat, and work on funny art projects in my free time.

But I'm still kickin'. I have shit I want to do, and dammit I'm going to do it. I said I was going to update the site, and I will. Eventually. I'm gonna write pikmin fanfic, I'm gonna draw furries and silly pilots kissing, I'm gonna learn that second language even if it melts my brain, I'm going to get my paws on funny boy potion (HRT), and I will publish an original story. Idk what story it will be anymore, or even what medium, but fuck it. It will happen.

Because I fucking can. Because I already am. Tommorow I'm reaching out to someone who can help me with my job search. Right now, as I type this on my phone, my cat is laying on my arm sleeping and purring. And making my arm go numb. I did my driving lessons today, and my Japanese lessons, and made a nice dinner :3 And yesterday I got the washi tape code for the site redesign to behave, with the help of someone from 32Bit Cafe, and I also made a lot of doodles.

Is this a love letter to myself? I don't know. The prompt just said "a digital Valentine's Day gift dedicated to yourself, with all the same care and effort you would give a valentine for anyone else you hold dear". And I feel that last bit realky depends on what someone would want. Because I know what someone in my situation would want more than anything right now.

Chocolates are nice. Cards are heartfelt.

But sometimes you just need to scream.